Thursday, November 20, 2003

am i the only person who thinks that 'alien' should be retitled 'that darn cat?'

okay, story time:
when i was seven, i found a squirrel frozen solid in a snowbank in the woods. my little sister and i took it into my dad's workshop, which was heated by a wood burning stove, with the brilliant plan to heat up the rodent (reanimating it), and then have it be our best friend. i was dr. frankenstein and my sister was igor. "find me a piece of cardboard!" i roared, and she hustled around, snowpants soggily weighing her down, slowly becoming covered with gobs of the sawdust she was rooting around in. i wrapped the squirrel in a shop rag with just its head sticking out, and placed it reverently on the edge of the stove, thinking that it was hot enough there to fry an egg, but if i just stayed vigilant and kept turning it over often enough, it would soon awaken from it's frozen slumber. my sister dripped silently next to me as we watched the squirrel melt into a rancid puddle of fur and putrefication. this was not going at all the way i had planned. we were pretty grossed out. my dad finally stomped in, covered with the snow he had been plowing, took one look at the freaky little experiment going on in his workspace, picked up the rag-wrapped rodent, or what was left of it, pitched it back out into the snowbank, and then stood at the door, holding it open, pointing outside. alas, we were to make no squirrel zombie friends that day.

Monday, November 10, 2003

god i almost forgot to mention that this random person sent me a fan-flipping-tastic two-page email about my meatloaf comment.

man, i love it when people show their work.
i got up quickly and vaulted over adam and a pile of coats and bags as i watched aysha walk towards the restroom. thinking i would follow her into the stall and pretend she wasn't there or just try to startle her and make her laugh, i boogied as fast as my clunky heels would take me. i heard the clicking of the beaded curtain near one of the restrooms, so i followed suit and raced into the alcove. a hand was just shutting the door from the inside. i placed my own hand on the outside of the door and pushed. hard. the door went flying open backwards into the stall and a surprised looking girl who was not aysha staggered backwards, her mouth open. i still had a mischievous grin on my face, and was about to do something lewd, like grab my breasts and stick out my tongue, when i realized that this girl was not anyone i knew, and she had a look that equaled 'restraining order.' i gushed that i was sorry and mumbled something about how i hadn't seen her go in there, and she just looked at me and said, "That's okay, it happens... i guess."

Sunday, November 02, 2003

i had my first krispy kreme donut right out of the vat of oil the other day. the lady working behind the counter was just handing them out, it was really great. the long line of people in front of us were literally fighting with each other over who got the most recently created gut bombs. arms outstretched, money clutched in plump sweaty fingers, the whole lot of them were impatient, short, and rolly polly. watching them clambering up the effectively designed glass display case, which kept anyone from actually vaulting over the counter and into the deep fry area, but in a tasteful way, i thought. chris and i ate our complimentary glazed donuts and then, satiated, decided to leave the wrestling to those who were clearly more motivated to do so...

what else...some lady, unhappy with her life, put her feet up on the chair in front of her at the movie theater on halloween and refused to let three of us by her. i don't know for sure that she is unhappy with her life, as she never said a word, just stared obstinately at the rolling credits, oblivious to our at first polite and increasingly louder and more harsh inquiries for her to move her legs, her husband sitting silently on her other side, the two of them complicit in a grandiose display of text-book passive-aggressive behavior. i eventually, being the first person in line, and not hip to her little game, just climbed over the seats in front of them and escaped to the aisle. eddy made it past her eventually with a resounding 'jesus christ!' which made me realize that their antisocial behavior was directed at us personally. kate just stared at her and said 'hey, i didn't get up during the movie. you don't have to do this to me.' or something along those lines. we laughed and laughed. they had obviously planned this and had been thinking about it ever since i got up(only once because my bladder was about to explode) to use the restroom. beware, you social heathens! do not enter the city or any public place, for that matter, if you do not wish to have any human contact which may inconvenience you. you will be mocked mercilessly if you do not heed this warning!!

ha ha ha!!(swoosh of black cape, fold into misty night, cue the baying hound)