feeling smeared with mucous still. eating rough things like croutons to try to scrape the objectionable build up out of my throat. chris gave me a backrub so good last night that i almost lost bladder control. woo! found another(!) douglas preston novel. embarassing hobby of mine; monsters in tunnels and the women who love them. ack! told my supervisor i went through a black lipstick phase when i was younger. he said it didn't surprise him.

patron just asked me for a good biography recommendation. i told him we had a lot of good books about einstein. he asked if there were any about the "crazier stuff he did." i said i wasn't sure what he meant and he said, "like, didn't he have sex with his cousin every week or something?"

had a great vampire dream.

my cold is receeding into memory, although the snuffly sounds of a mucoidal dog remain. wonder constantly if i'm drooling.

i have this body pillow named tim, and sometimes i have a hard time unclutching him in the middle of the night when i flip over. i end up with the pillow on top of me, erasing me from a perspective, and no matter how uncomfortable it is, i will not release him.

faux pas: i'm wearing brown shoes with a black skirt. somehow i don't think any one will notice.

observation: i'm only reading books about crazy people.

i guess if i were to reverse the roles, i would expect my partner to be uncomfortable. maybe i am uncomfortable.

super sick, snuffling here at the hum south ret desk. wonder why i don't go home. going to have to flake on a party tonight. don't want to sleep anymore but i don't know what else to do. vitamin c tablets cut up and snorted, maybe some IV saline or hot tea. feel fine in my head, but it is not externalized. i don't even feel like reading for god's sake. does that ever happen?

okay, i don't actually feel fine in my head. my visit home was fraught with drama and peril and my family is Nuts. makes me feel small and stupid, their want of a life for me that isn't my life. this then, spills over into my regular life, my work, my relationships. i'm sure this is making my boyfriend Nuts as well, my inability to let the water from my family's slip and slide emotional antics evaporate in the August air.

i have never been a jealous person.

do i get weirded out about this? feel pretty weird right now. stop obsessing stop obsessing. things seemed so fine this morning, but what does that mean?

my friend brendan just said this: the little ship that is angela has cast her anchor into my heart.

difficult person insists he can do my job better than i can...grrr

just looked at a "how to" website for dolphin mating. so strange.

feel full of sausage. want to nap. my hands still smell like pickles from lunch. i hate that. my friend brendan just told me that pickles and rubber bands are the two smells that you can't wash off, you just have to wait for them to fade.

going home tomorrow early am stupid flight...grumbling about having to get on a plane, which i despise, three hour layover in MPLS, not quite long enough to have my friends meet me there or anything. mom picking me up in Fargo where we will wait for my sister, her plane doesn't come in until evening...should be good times.

this typing process is unbelievably slow as the spacebar at this desk is *sticky* and will only actually register a space every third time i press it. and even then, not so much. i take no responsiblilty for the run on words in this post. it feels good to heave off that responsibility.

as the time draws near when i will have to resubmerge myself in the somewhat turbulent waters of home, my headache becomes increasingly intense. coincidence? i think not. do you ever have trouble embracing a trip to see your parents and do you notice yourself becoming more of a parent to your parents than your parents are parents to you?

i am also in a mental place where i need to start letting some things (that i can't control) go. as i was shifting the 790's this morning and becoming upset about little things, i had to say to myself "fuck, angela, let it go."

chris and i had a discussion about samsara the other night. prompted me to analyze just how much control i really have over anything in my life. kind of made me want to curl up under my blankets and rot. however, i don't have the will to kill myself by holding my breath, so i decided to have a snack instead. i wanted to make a pesto pizza, but alas! no pizza crust! so i made a bisquick formation that approximated a pizza and made it that way. it was very biscuit-y!

okay, so i didn't know about the christian children's show thing, but if you saw this drawing, you'd have said "my what a dapper young cucumber! i'll bet he's firm and would taste delicious with a bit of balsamic vinegar!" which is, incidentally, what i had for lunch.

i don't know if this will be dissapointing for you but larry the cucumber is a charachter in Veggie Tales which is a computer animated christian kids show staring vegetables

9am, watching the people pile in...sort of frantic about which internet station they get...seems to me like it doesn't matter, but what do i know? there is one man who always speed walks over to the newspapers and grabs today's edition, then speed walks over to the corner most internet terminal, sets down the paper, puts his hat on top of it, and logs on. not that it's a funny ritual, except for the speedwalking part. but he does it every day. i don't even have anything that i do every day in the same order at the same time, except maybe going directly to the bathroom when i first wake up. i wonder what he does on sunday when we don't open until 1pm. that must really mess him up.

i had another weirdo dream about a coworker last night. dreamt i was watching robert's house while he was out of town and my collegue came over and kept trying to twist my nipples, and i just wanted to eat some coconut caramel pie that was on the counter. then he asked me why i wouldn't sleep with him and i told him it was because he didn't ask before he just made himself three eggs and then didn't even bother washing his dishes. then he started in with the nipple thing again. why oh why do i have dreams starring people i have to work with grabbing my breasts? it makes for a few uncomfortable days where i can only look at them with a frown, a serious look or sometimes i'll tell them and laugh about it, but jesus!

do any of you have dreams like that?

the weeks here at good old mcl seem alot longer than they did when we were closed on mondays. it was nice, being one of only a handful of people roaming the empty rooms full of books, surrounded by too much information, not even really succeeding in the daunting task of keeping it all in order...so quiet...serene...whipped through alot of books on tape in those days. almost not like being at work at all. i loved walking into a reading room with all the lights turned off and listening for the electric hum as i switched a bank of light switches on, all the dark corners suddenly owned by only me...sounds pretty corny...

something i never noticed until last week: the walls in the periodicals room are pink! sort of lox colored. who made that decision?

just found a great picture in the book return...a magic markered green oval shape with a green mouth and eyes and the label "larry the cucumber" underneath it...sort of makes my job worthwhile...