so i went to see my dog the other day and as i walked up to the house, i noticed that the front door frame was lying in the garden and the door itself, sans the glass that made up the top half of it, was leaning against the front porch. jake is a 70 pound dog, and he usually works himself up into a frenzy whenever someone comes to the door, especially the mailman. he'll throw himself against the thing barking and drooling until the person is let in or runs away. robert told me that the other day he got a running start at the front door and shot like a bullet through the glass at someone's approach. i can't think of too many things scarier than seeing a cujo sized crazed dog come flying through someone's front door. these are the things that lawsuits are made of. i guess jake didn't get hurt, he just shook it off. and i'm not sure who was coming up to the house, but i'm sure they shit their pants and probably won't be coming back. robert replaced the door with one that doesn't have any glass. jake still tosses himself against it, but that's okay.

have you ever taken a huge goat cheese like crap, and then, knowing you're going to have a messy clean up session with your ass, very carefully start to deal with the delicate procedure, and find, to your utter horror and sense of civilized refinement and decorum, that there is a chunk of human poop stuck to your backside, and, feeling it there, like a bug in your mouth where it shouldn't belong, you freak out and somehow fling the offending piece of turd to the floor, where it stares up at you from between your shoes with a knowing look? no? me either.

stale cookies for breakfast. not exactly the life i had envisioned for myself when i was fresh out of school. i imagined, of course, like who doesn't, that i would have a personal chef and a marble countertop in the enormous kitchen and a jumbo sized meat thermometer for the pot roasts that my personal chef would make. but alas, i have only a tiny meat thermometer that i use to check the internal temperature of my sad little meatloaves myself, trying to hide the fact that i have used wonderbread or the 53 cent white bread from winco or whatever as the filler. i guess it's a good thing that i don't have a personal chef, because there is no way that two people could ever really be in that kitchen at the same time. it's a micro kitchen, really. i also envisioned huge windows overlooking central park or fifth avenue, but then i realized that i'd actually have to move to new york, just for starters, and i'd probably have to get a degree in something useful or start humping people in powerful positions in order to make that dream happen. so instead, i keep my dignity, sort of, and sit in my little apartment with nice normal sized windows that overlook the dumpster behind my building. there is a tree in our courtyard that touches my window with it's ephemeral leafy fingers, small miracle. it kind of makes it all worth it.

you must all check out tardblog.com.

twice now i have seen a miniature version of me on the bus. both times she was wearing my standard green cargo pants and a black shirt. she has my haircut, my eyebrows, my slightly irritated stare. but she only comes up to about my sternum. she's tiny. and i'm pretty small to begin with. i wonder if i should talk to her. does she notice the sameness of our appearances? or am i seeing a pattern that isn't there because i still so desperately want to fit in, just like back when we were all teenagers? she gets off at fifth avenue. i wonder where she goes...

maybe i've got intestinal parasites. wouldn't that be gross?

well, the tension has hit a breaking point in my rumbly tumbly. i was shelving in popular library and chris came up behind me and said, "just give up on the socks, angela," referring to my outburst this morning when i couldn't find a specific pair of socks that i wanted and made myself late for work emptying out my dresser drawer and piling all the socks on the floor. he laughed and i jumped up and yelped like a damn dog, startled and strung out. "was that really necessary?" i snarled. "you're lucky i didn't punch you in the face." "you're pretty tense." "it's true." as i was warming up to that idea, i attempted a muppet face, and it only brought the smallest of smiles. oh well.

a toast: to red meat!

...la la la...

where is chris? oh where is he?

again with the trouble in tummy land. what is up with that? it's gotta be the cheetos. i was thinking about my chronic stomach problems from a few years back, and hoping that the medication i take is still enough to fight off the constant churning. maybe it's a sign from my subconscious that something is terribly terribly amis. did i spell that right? does it matter? ahh...feel like a 6 year old today, probably going to throw a massive tantrum later, i've been feeling the anger build up in me for the last few days, all i need is an excuse to freak out. i wonder who will bear the unfortunate weight of my spaz attack...duck and cover my friends, duck and cover. stop drop and roll. oooh. wow. it's really time to go.

trying to write about my mom's adventures at the drag show we took her to, but here in periodical land, there is great demand for my microfilm machine expertise. so, i tutor grown women in how to thread film into the machine and run down the controls and behold! it really is as simple as that! and yet they are amazed.

winning title from today: "how to catch crabs" i love that.

trying not to touch my face with my gross hands. don't believe how icky materials get here. my fingers were black after only one hour of shelving. that never fails to repulse me.

i think my pug dog enthusiasm is waning. need help.

stomach producing many ounces of acid, eating my gut from inside...when your body turns on you...why? the thought of ingesting any coffee makes me queasy. like i'm about to board a plane. yes, that's what this is. flying day apprehension. but since i don't have a plane ticket to anywhere, it must be about something else. i wonder what. maybe it's because i've been forgetting to take my pills at the right times and in the right order. and also my hysterical womb shrieking at me for more cheetos and rootbeer and to get my ass back in bed. ugh. i've gotta tell you, i don't feel very funny at all. chris didn't sleep last night, stayed up in the bathroom reading flatland so as to not wake me. poor snooter. weekend looking bleak, if i don't feel any better. want to keel over. oh bleck!

winning title from yesterday: "compendium of pea diseases"

saw puppies in the park surrounded by street kids. lots of black rubber bracelets and swearing. i wonder if the puppies would have that new puppy smell? they should bottle that.

actually, now that i think about it, i've really got nothing to say.

saturday, in chronological order:
1. helping my sister at a photo shoot where the hypertrophic sunflower she was hunched over spilled it's earwig stowaways onto her legs, causing interesting but horrifying noises from both of us.
2. copying down another 100 addresses for my friend david, who hasn't updated his address book in at least five years and has collected multiple piles of cocktail napkins with scrawled names and numbers. i have catalogged maybe 300 or so names thus far.
3. coffee with my boyfriend's ex-girlfriend, to dispell some of the mythic proportions that we had built each other up to, and subsequently showing her a house occupied by my sister's extremely recent ex-boyfriend, in the hopes that they can find a roommate situation between them that would be mutually and financially beneficial, while he wasn't at home.
4. having the ex-girlfriend then call me "sweetie" when she called me later that afternoon.
5. having beer with my sister and her high school boyfriend, who recently married, bought a house, and got a dog, who made a cameo, the dog, and is named "jet" and is only six months old and so still retains that "new dog" smell that you get from inhaling deeply with your nose buried in a puppy's fur.
6. letting my sister, albiet unknowingly, operate heavy, expensive machinery after having four beers in the sun dappled afternoon, and spiriting away many many copies from an ancient copy machine that gets so hot it almost smokes but, well, i have to be able to publish somehow.
7. reading a comic book based on not only the jack the ripper murders, but also on a hit television series called "CSI" while taking a bath in my boyfriend's enormous luxury tub, and sort of liking it.

things that kept me awake last night, in alphabetical order:
1. ceiling fan motor
2. neighbors in the courtyard
3. rain
4. tossing and turning

okay, cheeseball vampire novel in hand, i finish out a night at the humanities north desk. uneventful in a security guard sense of the word. finished my zine. guess i'll distribute next week. remember to take some to reading frenzy and send one to punk planet.

boring minutia aside, vampires are the coolest, n'est ce pas? all that girly lace over bare white chests and whatnot...sculpted cheekbones and a knowledge of wine...kind of makes up for the neck sucking...maybe...why is it that all women who write vampire books do so with an erotic edge and all men go for the 'alternative history' thing?

i woke up this morning with a huge sheet crease on my face, traveling right over my mouth and onto my neck. chris woke up and said, "i love you, scarface." it was the best first sentence of the day ever. i felt like a real pirate.

communication weirdness is always the weirdest kind of weirdness.

brushed my teeth really well this morning, and yet i still tasted that tooth-grinding taste from having my jaw clenched shut tightly all nightly. will bleach really cause internal burns? wish i didn't have to work so much/shelve so many books. if i didn't, would i wallow in bed eating kettle chips and watching nothing but x-files reruns? woe to me, for the answer is yes. almost done with the zine about my trip home. it's much much longer than i had anticipated, yet chris is being so great helping me with the editing, and i know that's hard to do, help cut corners on something made by your girlfriend. kudos to you!

second day of rain. wonder if winter is officially already here to stay. i like squirrels, but not in my bedroom.

i'm wearing a goddamned PINK sweater. what's up with that?